Recently, I found my old iPad; on that iPad, I found a photo that was a screenshot of the paper I wrote back in my Freshman year of college. I titled it Bullied to Beautiful. It was only a screenshot of one page, but it was enough to inspire me. I remember sitting in my English class being told to write something about your life that you went through, in that moment, that’s when I knew I had to tell my story. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:
“The tables are circular, made of imitation granite and filled with eight metal folding chairs, cold to the touch. As I walk to find a chair, I am bombarded with laughs, stares, forced to sit with the girls that bully me. They always stare like sharks waiting to attack. My mother always gives me a Publix pre-made Cuban sandwich, some varied in size. The assistant principle makes fun of the gigantic sandwich I eat and says I shouldn’t eat such a big sandwich because of how fat I am….you are a fat ass, you have thunder thighs, you are ugly, ew gross, you’ll never find someone who will love you, you aren’t invited, you’re fat, you have too much cellulite…No matter who cares about me, I feel that the words “fat ass” trump the words “I love you”…I will never have a nice day at school. I’m not very vocal about the torture I’m going through as much as I should be, but I hope that one day the name calling will stop.”
This is what inspired this blog.
Being Different & My Thoughts
These were all defining moments in my middle school years. I believed every word that was said about me. I felt fat; I felt alone; I felt unwanted; I felt like I was nothing. I always knew I was different, but when people started to point it out, there was no going back from there. Not invited to pool parties, being told I shouldn’t eat a big sandwich and being called a fat ass was just the start of a whole downward spiral.
My self-esteem was at an all time low. I tried so hard to fit in. Asking my parents to buy me Sperry Top Sliders and Paper Mate Pens, just so people could talk about something else other than what I looked like. It was either people calling me names or ignoring me completely. I would always cry at the foot of my bed wondering why I existed and praying that this would just all go away. I believed everything that they told me and it made me feel like nothing.
A Passion That Turn Into A Dream
When I was little, Ioved to sing. I remember I got a little Barbie Karaoke Machine for a birthday or Christmas. Little did I know, that would be the time I decided to be a singer.
Singing and writing music would be my outlet for everything I was going through. I would write how I felt about the hallways or the lunch room. I’d make it a song out what I was going through. I would always be singing in my room. The only song I can remember from what I wrote was a song called “Treated Me”. It went like this: “They treated me like I was invisible. They treated me like I wasn’t there. All my days, I wanted to say, I was treated so wrong.”
I just kept singing and writing. When I couldn’t use my real voice to stand up for myself, I would use my singing voice. I knew that being on stage performing was where I belonged. When I was on stage, I was able to be free. Even though all eyes were on me, they weren’t on Cheyenne. They were on the Cheyenne I wanted to be. When I felt like I had no one, singing was always there for me. My voice was my best friend.
That’s when the dream became a dream. I wanted to be a singer and sing out the pain. I wanted to be free from everything clouding my head. I kept writing about my feelings and why I felt so alone in my songs. I kept it all to myself, until now. That dream to be a singer one day – kept me here.
The Good In The Bad
If I didn’t write that paper, or I didn’t sing that song, write those songs, this blog wouldn’t exist. If I didn’t learn to love myself, this blog would not be what it is today. If I didn’t find that paper all these years later, this blog post wouldn’t even exist. Sometimes you have to go through all the pain, to find the beauty in it. I turned my negative life into something positive. I vow to always share this story with you.
I had to go through all that bad to get to the good. The reason I’m here is to share this story. With my blog’s 4th anniversary being tomorrow, I wanted to share my story with you all in way I had not done before.
Why I Took These Photos
“You can’t get under my skin, if I don’t let you in.” Those are the lyrics from Skin, the song I used my reel. Music is and will always be in my blood. When I heard this song, I knew this would be the project I wanted to do with my blog post. An idea that I had from the beginning. I had David write all the negative things people said to me when I was in middle school and the comment section of my viral reels. I wanted to make an impact with not only showing the words that tore me down, but the positive words that lifted me up.
There is good throughout all of the bad, you just have to find it. I had to do so. I always would ask God, “Why me?”. This is why.
This reel and blog shoot were very emotional for me. I wanted to show you all that those words can’t get under your skin if you don’t let them in. It takes a lot to open up and share so much, but that’s why I am here and why your reading this. 10 years later, I’m finally free. This blog allowed me to do so. It gave me a voice I didn’t know I could use. All that pain is gone. It truly won’t always be that way.
As I write this blog, I cry a lot of tears, but tears of happiness. Tears of conquering things that I didn’t believe were possible. Tears for the girl that felt the way she did. Tears for the girl who made it through it all.
This is a physical photo representation of how far I’ve come in 10 years. This is me being the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. If you are going through what I went through, you can get here too.
Get The Help I Never Reached Out For
If you or someone you know is being bullied, click here for several resources on how to help stop bullying and cyberbullying. No one deserves to be treated the way I was treated. By you becoming aware, you can save a life so someone never has to go through what I went through.
I hope this blog inspires you to be vulnerable, open up and share your story. It means the world that you chose to read this blog.